What Every Woman Should Know About the Big O

Women, I want to invite you into a discreet discussion with me on a sensitive topic: orgasms. I want you to picture me and you sitting in your living room with the kids at a friend’s house and discussing this subject as old friends. As the one sitting across from you, you would know that I have not struggled with orgasms, but that I have learned some things to help my friends. You would know that that I have sympathy for women who rarely or cannot achieve orgasm and that I understand. I am going to share more with you about myself in this conversation than any other so together we can come to some solutions.

Is a High Sex Drive the Secret?

The highest sex drive I’ve ever had was as a teenager and now. Unfortunately, I wasn’t born again until I was already sexually active. For some of my married life (married 23 plus years to the same amazing man), I had to overcome a past sexual life that was not sanctified. Talk about putting a wet blanket on sex with the hubby! Today I have worked and am working hard to restore sex how God designed it.

Did a higher sex drive or lower sex drive impact orgasms? Nope. Sure didn’t. Regardless of sex drive, orgasmic activity remained the same. Really nothing has ever affected orgasm except LACK OF TIME or DISTRACTIONS, especially when we had a child in the home. Not even difficult times with my husband or stress affected me. A higher sex drive can help, but it is not required.

The One Thing You Need to Change

The one thing you need to change is the IDEA that ORGASMS COME OUT OF THIN AIR. It is not true that some women are just able to climax and some are not. It is not true that it’s your husband’s responsibility to “make you orgasm.” Do you know what your husband is doing? Well, I’m sure you do since you are participating. 🙂 I mean…thinking? He is trying to PROLONG his climax so you can have yours. Listen to me carefully, friend, “Your husband loves nothing more than giving you pleasure and SEEING you climax.” And it can be very difficult for him to NOT climax. I will give you tips on helping with that in the next post.

Dr. Kevin Leman states, “Physiologically, the only thing limiting a woman’s potential number of orgasms in any given sexual encounter is the woman herself.” God designed your body not only to orgasm but to have MULTIPLE orgasms if YOU CHOOSE to do so. Women, unlike men, are able to ride wave after wave of ecstasy and stop at any point. Men can often lack control over orgasm (not by choice but design), especially if no sex for several days or longer. We have an ability to go into “hibernation” sexually. Why were we made so different? So that we NEED each other.

Let me recap a few scientific things from a previous post:

• The female clitoris has the HIGHEST CONCENTRATIONS OF NERVE ENDINGS of the body, 8,000 to be exact. Twice as many as the male’s penis. THE CLITORIS IS ONLY DESIGNED FOR SEX. It has no other purpose.
• Oxytocin, the bonding hormone (high in couples who have been together 20 plus years), is released during orgasm.
• After male orgasm, men release prolactin, a chemical that is like heroin for the man.
• Our sexual areas have just as much feeling in them as our fingers.
• Testosterone is highest for men on the weekends.

7 Orgasm Secrets You Should Know

Continuing our intimate talk, let me share with you 7 things that will help you not just with orgasms but your sexual intimacy as a whole.

1. Keep first things first. If your goal is only to have an orgasm, you have the wrong goal. The purpose of sex in God’s eyes is for two to become one physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is a picture of the spiritual oneness and unity between Christ and His bride.
2. Become skilled at having an orgasm. Remember that it is not your husband’s responsibility to give you an orgasm nor do they just happen. You need to learn the art of movement with your husband that stimulates your body to orgasm. You have certain “sweet spots” that if stimulated with the right speed, pressure, and position, you can orgasm regularly. However, don’t reduce sex with your husband to whether you orgasm or not. You probably won’t every time. Don’t forget: YOU WILL ALSO HAVE TO COACH YOUR HONEY ON HOW HE CAN BEST HELP YOU. And I guarantee you that won’t be a problem! 🙂
3. Become more aware of how your body responds sexually. With your husband, you can explore areas of your genitals and see how they respond. Direct clitoral touch or indirect? How much pressure? Speed of movement. Depth of thrust. Location of your husband’s body during intimacy. Don’t be afraid to explore yourself with your husband. Do be aware that using your imagination to picture other lovers, using pornography, or anything else like that is NOT Biblical. But using your imagination to picture your husband is a different story.
4. Kegel exercises. Kegel exercises are designed to help both men and women for enhancing lovemaking. With women, they help them orgasm and with men, they help them delay. Basically, you contract the PC muscles, which are the same ones that stop the flow of urine (these can help incontinence too). Hold for a few seconds and release. Do about 10 times at first. You can perform these while driving, on the phone or anytime without anyone knowing.
5. Be an active participant. By being active, I’m referring to not just receiving your husband’s advances but telling him what feels good and doesn’t. Be cautious that you don’t make him feel bad. The sexual prowess of your husband is a sensitive area that if harmed can take years to heal. Take his hand and place where you want. Slow him down if needed. If you are too embarrassed, you need to work through some past baggage that makes sex a place that isn’t safe.
6. Relationship trumps technique. Sometimes a woman’s problem might be outside of the bedroom. Lack of time together. Hurtful words. Stress. Past sexual abuse. Fear of the kids interrupting. Mother-in-law issues. There can be numerous reasons you are not responding. With men, they are able to compartmentalize or view sex as a way to “erase” problems. We are totally different. Dr. Kevin Leman says in “Sheet Music,” “For her, problems erase sex; sex doesn’t erase problems.” The closer you feel to your honey, the more responsive you are.
7. Husbands, understand your wife. This one is for the husbands. I know that’s unusual me addressing them on a site for married women, but maybe you can print this conversation for them to read to gain understanding. If you feel your husband is impatient or bored, you will shut down. It is important for your man to understand that you are a slow-cooker, and he is a microwave. It’s important that he understand how your body works and make you a priority as you make him a priority. And, it is VERY IMPORTANT that the husband doesn’t think that if one “way” worked lat time then that is the only way. Women like variety and are complex beings.

Time to Practice!

It is time for our conversation to come to a close. I hope you enjoyed talking with me. 🙂 The only thing I have left is to encourage you to go practice, explore, and learn how your body responds sexually with your husband! Until next time, blessings!