8 Tips to Keep Your Bed Sizzling (with a bit of technical stuff)

Have you heard of the prairie vole? Prairie voles are little cuties that mate for life and raise their kiddos together, which is very unusual among animals. In fact, only 3% of mammals are monogamous. On top of this deep pair-bonding, the male prairie vole will display intense aggression in defending his family and nest against strangers.

Montane voles, close relatives of the prairie voles, do not pair-bond. They are very promiscuous and do not defend their mates or offspring. Scientists were intrigued by the differences between these voles and researched what could cause such drastic differences. They discovered two molecules that might explain the difference: vasopressin and oxytocin.

The Male Molecule of Faithfulness

Researchers at the National Institute of Mental Health injected male prairie voles with an antagonist that blocked oxytocin receptors and in a separate experiment an antagonist that blocked vasopressin receptors lowering the levels of both molecules. The oxytocin suppression did not change the behavior nor bonding of the male prairie vole. But the suppression of vasopressin completely changed the behavior of the male prairie vole. He no longer defended his mate, offspring, or nest and developed a wandering eye toward other female voles. When injected with more vasopressin, the male prairie vole became even more aggressive in defending his woman and kiddos, but also wanted to spend even more time with her instead of strangers. Basically, HE FELL IN LOVE WITH HER ALL OVER AGAIN.

The Female Molecule of Faithfulness

The molecule, oxytocin, is not just a female molecule of faithfulness, but women tend to secrete it easier than men. It is called the bonding hormone. Women secrete it during child-bearing, long hugs, good conversation, and sexual intercourse. Men only secrete it at orgasm. Oxytocin causes your spouse to be the most attractive to you. In men, they will actually sit farther away from a woman with similar beauty when oxytocin is regularly activated.

Oxytocin activates the reward center and the release of dopamine. Dopamine gives you energy, focus, ecstasy, and the drive to SEEK, FIND, AND KEEP YOUR SPOUSE. Dopamine is also released in drug users after using their drugs. In essence, YOU BECOME ADDICTED TO YOUR SPOUSE. Dopamine can also increase sex drive even when in non-sexual situations. A surprising fact about dopamine is that it CAUSES YOU TO FEEL IN LOVE WITHOUT EVER HAVING SEX.

The Brain in Love

Dr. Helen Fisher, an expert in the science of love, conducted studies on the brains of couples in love. The results revealed increased activity in two regions in the brain: the Ventral Tegmental Area (or VTA at the base of brain) and the Caudate Nucleus (close to the cerebral cortex or thinking part of the brain). Why is this so cool?

First, the VTA is where the reward center is located that generates feelings of pleasure and motivation. It is also the part of the brain that MANUFACTURES DOPAMINE. Interestingly, it is also the part that gives cocaine users the rush after using! Again, you become addicted to your honey! It is very active when you first fall in love and can stay active after decades of marriage.

The Caudate is also part of the reward system. Scientists suspect that the Caudate is where all your feelings, memories, thoughts, and motivations associated with the romantic love you feel for your spouse are assembled here creating an INTENSE ROMANTIC PASSION.

8 Tips for Keeping Your Love Hot

I know this post has been a bit more technical, but let me tie it all together for you with some tips to keep these molecules flowing and your brain in love!

1. Have sex. Did you notice that both vasopressin and oxytocin are released in men AFTER orgasm? It bugs me when women view sex with their husbands as a chore or something “you have to do.” THE ONLY TIME YOUR MAN “FEELS” BONDED IS DURING SEX. Sex also DRIVES UP TESTOSTERONE CAUSING BOTH OF YOU TO WANT MORE SEX. Nuff said.
2. Keep the sizzle in your marriage. God created us to desire new things and spontaneity. When you get married, you are giving that up in the sex department for faithfulness and security. But you don’t have to. This is where being adventurous comes from. Using eroticism, fun, and things that evoke the senses (sight, smell, touch, sound, and taste) will keep things fresh. DON’T BE ROUTINE 100% OF THE TIME. On the other hand, don’t feel you have to devote hours to figuring out new ways to be exciting. A LITTLE DOSE OF EXCITEMENT GOES A LONG WAY. Keep the usual, enjoyable stuff with some spicy spontaneous things sprinkled in.
3. Be mindful of your mate. When you are first dating, your brain is a chemical cocktail that literally makes you “love sick” and addicted. You can’t sleep or eat without thinking about your spouse. Endorphins are flowing like crazy making you feel like you are on cloud 9! God designed us that way so we commit to our lover in marriage. But you can’t keep living that way. Eventually, your brain settles into the deep attachment mode that is safe and secure. However, in this stage, you can become FORGETFUL of your spouse meaning that life has a way of taking your attention from your spouse. If not corrected, the excitement of an extramarital relationship can snare you or your spouse. Date nights. Deep conversation. Sex. Get aways. Touch. Intentional thinking about your spouse. Fun. Play. Acts of kindness for each other. All of these are good things to do to be mindful of your honey.
4. Go there! Ok, this might be a bit uncomfortable, but here it goes. ANY TOUCHING OF THE GENITALS STIMULATES DOPAMINE. There I said it. You need to touch your man and him you. Dopamine is crucial to a long-term marriage!
5. Other touch. Hold hands, hug, kiss, cuddling at night and touching each other (even non-sexual ways) promotes feelings of deep attachment.
6. Do new things together. I am not referring to new things in sex but new things in life together. New hobbies. Traveling to new places and exploring them. Anything that is new will promote dopamine and attachment.
7. Whispers and teasing. Take advantage of anticipation by whispering sexy things into your spouse’s ear before the movie, in the car, or wherever so that by the time you get together later, both of you are on fire! Plus it is fun and keeps the mind focused on each other.
8. Work Through Differences. Emotional pain causes the release of endorphins. Endorphins are the “feel good” molecules. Emotional pain can cause people to cut because the physical pain of the cut releases endorphins. The brain is doing everything it can to make you feel better emotionally. But the other side of the endorphin release is that it lowers oxytocin and the ability to bond. Some couples might have sex in an attempt to release oxytocin without realizing why. It’s like using sex as a bandaid. Others will have sex outside of marriage in an attempt to release oxytocin. Keep this in mind: A woman bonds face to face. A man bonds during sex.