Understanding Low Sexual Desire
Until recently, I thought something was wrong with me. And it wasn’t helping that I started going through some mild menopause symptoms two years ago—power surges (a.k.a. hot flashes), sleeplessness, night sweats, and an even lower sexual desire! Thankfully, I was able to eliminate everything but the occasional power surge through faith (I believe in symptom-free menopause) and continual exercise, healthy eating, and stress management strategies). But the lack of any desire for sex was troublesome for me. I am only in my 40’s. This should not be happening!
The Myth
Unfortunately, most of what’s written out there about sexual health in the faith-based world is either straight out myth or idealism of what things should be. And trying to find books to help with menopause and sexual health is almost non-existent. But what do I mean by myth or idealism? Many years ago, I was told that my husband should desire sex daily or every other day. I was given the speech about how they think about it most of the time. My responsibility was to make sure I met that need (so the devil didn’t gain a foothold) even if I struggled with low sexual desire, which I was happy to do. Once things heated up, I was responsive and truly enjoyed myself.
I went home after that conversation and asked my husband his thoughts. He said that it was ridiculous. He didn’t think about sex most of the time. And he was happy with once a week, quite frankly! That’s what I enjoyed, too! And we were on the same page plus it relieved some of the pressure I felt. But I still had a problem!
Sexual Desire Versus Sexual Responsiveness
Back to the menopause. Menopause killed the little desire I had. I was desperate. I knew that I couldn’t deprive my husband (or myself for that matter) of sexual intimacy. It’s too important. There are too many spiritual, emotional, and physical health benefits. And it’s fun! In spite of knowing all of this I was struggling until I watched a class in the Rosy app called, “Understand Desire and Think Differently.”
Disclaimer: The Rosy app is not a Christian-based app. There are something I ignore or don’t go through. But I got more help with this app than any other app out there. For a great Christian app, download Ultimate Intimacy. Great stuff there.
In this class, I learned that there are two types of people (women mostly)—those who possess sexual desire, which is that driving force to have sex or arousal pre-foreplay and those who are sexual responsive meaning those who rarely experience desire or arousal UNTIL engaging in some intimacy. Bam! The lightbulb went off! I was sexually responsive! Years of thinking something was wrong with me slipped away. I was made this way. And I could do something about it.
Things to Help
Now, I wasn’t happy completely to find out that I was sexually responsive because it meant more work was needed to ensure a healthy sexual life with my hubby. But I didn’t learn some great things that helped even with menopause. So here they are:
Use your brain. I learned that sex begins with my thoughts. I have to think about it. I have to imagine the last sexual encounter with my husband and begin warming up.
Educate yourself. I have to educate myself by reading articles and books, watching classes and videos in my app, and learning how I best respond to sex and arousal.
Plan. I have to plan out sexual encounters. If I don’t tell myself, “You are having sex with your spouse tonight, girl!” And start getting ready using my brain, I’ll make an excuse and just want to go to sleep. If I need to nap in the day, I do that. Whatever I need to do, I do it so I’m ready to go.
Make it a priority. I have to intentionally make intimacy with my husband a priority. There’s no way around it with sexually responsive women versus driven. The only way we’re going to have sex is by making it a priority because it just isn’t apart from effort. I mean, we all know that sex is enjoyable (unless your husband isn’t or doesn’t know how to please you well). It’s the “getting it started” that is the struggle.
Tangible things. I use lubricants that feel great to me, especially since menopause started. Trips with my husband and spending time together enhance my desire. Tasteful toys and talk. These are all tangible things you can do to get things primed.
I Know. It Sucks.
I wish I was a sexual desire person. It would make things so much easier! But I’m not. Never have been even in the days of the so-called “sexual prime.” Even so, there’s nothing like finding out that you’re not a freak. There’s nothing wrong with you. And, yes, you might have to put a bit more effort into things but that’s ok!
What I’d like for you to do is sit down and write out the things that might help you. Commit to a scheduled time. My husband didn’t like that idea so I just put the schedule in my head and went with it.