Four Types of Love Needed in Every Marriage

Robert Sternberg, a psychologist, developed a theory of love called, “The Triangular Theory of Love,” that is widely used in his profession. The theory states that there are THREE COMPONENTS AT THE ROOT OF LOVE: 1) intimacy; 2) passion and 3)
commitment.

  1. Intimacy is the sharing of secrets, life history, etc. that produces feelings of attachment and closeness.
  2. Passion is the sexual and romantic attraction.
  3. Commitment is the willingness to go from short-term to long-term relationship with plans to sustain it.

Sternberg believes that ALL THREE create a lasting, happy relationship. A lack of balance in any of these three areas creates eight different modifications of love.

  • Nonlove is the absence of all three components making of the large majority of your personal relationships or what we call “casual interactions.”
  • Liking/friendship is the closeness, bonding, and warmth toward another often seen in close friendships without any feelings of passion or even long-term commitment. I’m sure you have had very close friendships with people in the past that are now nonexistent for different reasons like moving, change in lifestyle through marriage or having a baby, or maturing and growing as a person that is no longer compatible.
  • Empty love has the COMMITMENT component only. A stronger love with all three and deteriorate into empty love. Arranged marriages in some cultures might start as empty but evolve into stronger love.
  • Romantic love has the two components of INTIMACY and PASSION but not commitment. Often people see this in the “falling in love” stage and when it is time to transition emotionally and even hormonally into long-term commitment, they get bored and mistake this transition as “falling out of love.”
  • Companionate love has the intimacy and commitment components of love but no passion. This love is stronger than friendship but is non-passionate. Family members share this kind of love and close friends. Some marriages evolve into this love when sexual activity is interrupted due to illness or age.
  • Fatuous love is a commitment made on a whim due to passion but no intimacy.
  • Consummate love is the COMPLETE FORM OF LOVE with all THREE COMPONENTS. This is the IDEAL RELATIONSHIP for married couples. And, yes, I say married because that is the only “legal” relationship for all three in God’s eyes. According to Sternberg, sex is great after 15 years or more, each delight in the other and cannot imagine being with anyone else, and they are happier over the time together.

Maintaining your relationship with your spouse requires EXPRESSING each component. Sternberg says, “Without expression even the greatest of loves can die.” I.e. your consummate love will not be permanent.

Biblically, I would like to add one more COMPONENT to the mix that you could say is the CENTER of the triangle–GOD LOVE (agape in the Greek). The Bible states that God is love. When you ORDER YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO YOUR SPOUSE THROUGH AGAPE LOVE, YOU WILL MAINTAIN ALL THE OTHER COMPONENTS OF THE TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE.

Destination Church